Zero Fun, Sir

"Why are you smiling?"
    "'Cause I love football. Football's fun."
"Fun, sir. It's fun?"
    "Yes."
"You sure?"
    "I think so -"
"Now you're thinkin'. First you smile, then you think. You think football is still fun?"
    "Uh, yes."
"Sir."
    "Yes-no, sir."
"No?"
    "Um, it was fun."
"Not any more though, is it? Is it?"
    "Not right now, no."
"No, it's not fun anymore. Not even a little bit."
    "Uh... no."
"Make up your mind. Think, since you're thinkin'. Go on, think. Is it fun?"
    "No, sir."
"No? Absolutely not?"
    "Zero fun, sir."

- Me talking to other Ohio State fans (only I don't usually call them "sir")

In 2015, the Ohio State Buckeyes went 12-1. They opened the season by avenging a championship season loss to Virginia Tech in convincing fashion, and finished the year by walloping a #10 Michigan by 29 and smashing #8 Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl.

And it was the most miserable season of Ohio State football since the interregnum in 2011.

Oh sure, there were other high points like destroying Penn State in the Shoe's first blackout. But all season long, the only thing Buckeye fans wanted to talk about was "Why aren't they killing everybody?"

Coming into 2015, the Buckeyes had just finished what was probably the greatest 3-game stretch in its history, knocking off Wisconsin, Alabama, and Oregon in impressive fashion to climb the ladder to the team's 8th, and most improbable, national championship. If anything, the team was supposed to be better in 2015 after losing almost no key players from 2014's title run. But though the defense continued at championship pace, the Buckeyes never found their identity on offense until it was too late.

How much fun was 2003, watching another defending national champion return 75% of their starters only to eke out 11 nailbiting wins and a BCS bowl victory?

And how much fun are you having now, fresh off possibly the most dominant season in Ohio State history, with 2020 Ohio State skating by with wins by 35, 13, and 22 points?

Wait. One of those things is not like the other.

3 games into the season, the Buckeyes haven't been seriously threatened in any of their games. The latest they've trailed was 6:55 into the first quarter of the Nebraska game, which is also the only time they've trailed all season. The latest they've been up by single digits was 6:18 into the second half against Penn State. Despite the lackluster final score against Rutgers, the Buckeyes led 42-9 entering the bizarro trick play-centric fourth quarter.

R-E-L-A-X

No, the running game probably isn't as good as last year's. But it's hard to tell when Justin Fields has a grand total of 20 non-sack carries so far and the team's game plan seems to be built around crafting a masterful Heisman propaganda campaign. No, the defense doesn't appear to be on the same level as last year's brick wall. But 30 of the 69 points they've surrendered this year have been in the fourth quarter, when the outcome of the game is no longer seriously in doubt. (They've also held their opponents to an astounding 0 for 6 on two point conversions, which should help frustrate any comeback attempts by future teams.) Why so serious? This team doesn't have to be perfect at this point. At what point did you think the 2014 Buckeyes were championship caliber? If your answer is any time before November, you're lying. At what point were you convinced that the 2002 Buckeyes were going to win the national title? If your answer is any time before halftime of the Fiesta Bowl, you're either lying or you were too naïve to know any better (like I was back then).

Give the secondary time to find their footing. Give Master Teague time; Zeke didn't blow up until the second half of 2014, and Dobbins was downright pedestrian in 2018. And just enjoy the season no matter what comes. Not everything has to be national title or bust. Two months ago we lived in despair that we wouldn't get to see this team play at all. We still have a chance to ruin Indiana's best season in 50 years. We still have a chance to lay a Rich Rod era style beat down on That Team Up North. And yes, in a season in which no team looks invincible (except maybe Alabama), there's still a great chance to take the glorious golden lipstick home a second time. Zero excuses not to have fun, sir.